As you may know, I’m not one to go to the cinema all that often. Indeed, you might want to say that I dislike the cinema experience. And that is true for the most part. I would rather wait for the DVD to eventually get released than to go to the movies, purely because the experience doesn’t suck so much. Here’s my main 3 reasons for avoiding cinemas…
Some Staff Are Wannabe Film Critics, and They Suck
Don’t get me wrong, most of the staff that work at cinemas are A-OK. They know that they’re doing a job and they perform well. Granted, I can forgive a bit of confusion at the concession stand if it’s a new person working that bit, but I just cannot stand the guy that thinks he knows more than anyone else about films, and therefore his opinion is law. Usually it’s the guy serving or tearing the tickets, and I would expect either a good comment or no comment about what specific film I am going to see. I don’t expect to be questioned on my choice of film by the person selling the goddamned tickets to said film.
When I went to see Cloverfield, after I paid for my ticket the moron behind the counter said that he wouldn’t recommend it at all. Now, bearing in mind that (a) I’d just bought the tickets and (b) he’s employed to generally promote and sell tickets, the last thing I want is him saying I’m going to be disappointed, even when I’m telling him that I have seen some of JJ Abrams’ stuff in the past and have been heartily entertained by it. It’s very bad customer service when you are attacking your own customers. It’s even worse when you consider that this is in a city with more than just that cinema, and there’s heavy competition between them all.
Watching a Film with Other People Sucks
If I want to watch a film and it’s one that I’ve been waiting to see, the last thing I want is for the other people in the cinema to be noisy. Why do people feel the need to bring their newborn baby to a film with loud noises that will scare the kid senseless causing it to cry, scream or crap itself? What is the point of the “Turn your Phone Off” warning before the film when idiots that seem to have mentally blanked that phrase from their minds decide it’s time to talk to one of their gormless buddies as loudly as humanly possible, short of using cans and string? What failure in life decides that the best course of action is to say loudly what they think will happen (or if they have enough time on their hands that they’re willing to see a film twice in the cinema, what will be happening) when everyone else in the theatre are watching intently, thereby spoiling the story for everyone? If I’m forced into going to a cinema, I’d rather choose the latest possible showing to avoid these idiots. At least when watching films on DVD, the only person that I can possibly disturb would be myself. And I know full well I can pause it whilst I go to get another drink from the fridge.
The Food Sucks and Requires a Mortgage
Talking about refreshments, why does the food at the local movieplexodome fail to be tasty? There’s hotdogs that taste like rubber, popcorn that could easily substitute polystyrene pellets for packaging in boxes, and the noisiest sweet packaging known to man. If this was all sold cheaply, it’d be all right. But it’s not. I’m spending more on the food than I am on the already expensive ticket to get into the place, and for that price I expect quality.
It’s a shame that most cinemas forbid you from taking your own food into a screening, because I do love the idea of eating an XL Bacon Double Cheeseburger whilst enjoying senseless violence on the big screen. It’d be cheaper too. At least my couch doesn’t care.
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